Lessons

So, life as we knew it is back to normal .. Well, sort of. We are all so excited to be a family again. A family together, that is. My husband returned home last week after four and a half long months. I have been thinking this past week about those months a lot. It was so easy for me to just wish the days away, and hope and pray that the time would go by quickly. And now looking back, I wonder, "What did I learn through it? Did I learn anything? Will I change anything because of it?" And I've come to realize so many different things about myself. I've realized not only how much I took and do take my husband for granted, but I've also realized how I rely on him almost too much. And I'm not saying there is anything wrong with relying on a spouse, God designed marriage to allow us to rely on another human being in a way that we have never experienced, nor will experience again on this earth. But there is a danger in elevating that other human being to a level equal to, or higher than, God. In some ways, in many ways, I think I did that with my husband. So four months away from him really put things in perspective. As much as it hurt to be away from him, I find myself wondering lately if it hurts that much when I'm away from God for that long (i.e. when I chose not to be in regular fellowship with Him). Do I long for God the way I longed for my husband? Do I seek every opportunity to still talk to Him, even when life is absolutely crazy? And when I'm truly honest with myself, I see how I've elevated my husband (and to some extent, my children) to a level that is truly unfit for them. I've elevated them to a level that only one Being can fill, and that is God. So as difficult as these last four and a half months have been, I'm thankful. I'm so thankful that God has allowed us to experience this. He has shown me so many things about myself, that I don't think I would have seen otherwise. He has taught me that I don't always need to know the answers to my "why?" questions. He has taught me that He truly is a Father to those who don't have one (or to those whose father is absent for a time). And He has taught me that instead of relying on people, like I am so apt to do, I need to rely solely on Him.

Faith

So I’ll be honest, I’ve haven’t written in awhile, because I am struggling. I am struggling with so many different things right now. I have been questioning God so much. I don’t understand why He allows what He allows sometimes. And I have really wanted to know the answers to why. But today I got a note from an old friend, and God used it to clarify things for me. I don’t need all the answers. For whatever reason, God chooses to allow things in our lives, and we don’t need to know why. As much as we want to know why, He finds it best to not tell us. And He calls us to trust Him. Trust that He knows what He is doing. Trust that He will take care of us. And that trust is called faith. “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). And you know what? He doesn’t promise it’ll be easy. But he still asks us to trust and rest in Him.

Weakness

Do you ever have days that you feel like you are barely holding on? That has been this week for me. Every day I have been stressed, for no particular reason, other than the obvious. I get stressed over anything and everything. Whether or not the dog needs to be let out. Whether or not the kids need to be let out. It is so easy for me to try to take back control of everything. The things that I think I can control, when in reality I can't. I can't control if my daughter will obey today. I can't control if my son is going to get sick. And it's hard to see disobedience and illness as a blessing. It's easy for me to think I'm a bad mother because of how my child acts. I feel as if I'm in the midst of a bad dream that I can't escape. And I know that it won't be forever, but right now, in the middle of it, it feels like forever. I wonder if it will get easier. It's been a month, and the house is still a disaster. I've never been good at cleaning anyways, so that in and of itself is a challenge. Let alone taking care of the kids too. And I don't say these things for sympathy. I just want to let it out. I know I'll be ok. If I do what I know I need to do, and even if I don't (not the preferred method, I know). Unfortunately, it is so easy for me, when tough times come, to try to do everything by myself. And I know it's pride. I know it's pride to think that I don't need to read my Bible or pray. I know it's pride to not ask for help when I need it. And I know it's pride to feel like I'm going to be a burden on someone. I know it's pride to feel that twinge of guilt whenever I ask someone for help. But I know I can't do it all on my own. I see why God intended for the family to be a man and a woman to care for their children. This single parenting stuff is tough. And I know people do it all the time, but I see how perfectly God has knit my husband and I together to compliment each other. And I miss him. I miss him a lot. I take him for granted in so many different areas. But I'm learning. Slowly, but surely, I'm learning. I'm learning to take one day at a time. And I'm learning that God's grace is sufficient for each day. I'm so thankful I only have to live one day at a time! And I'm learning that God is glorified in my weakness. "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor. 12:9. I can honestly say that I am not perfectly content with my weaknesses .. or my hardships .. but I am also seeing how the Christian life is a journey. A wonderful, amazing, tough journey. He uses different circumstances to mold us and to shape us to become like Him. It makes me look forward to heaven. No more sin. No more tears. No more hurt. And it makes me pray for my little ones. Pray that they would come to know Him as their Savior someday. They of all people know who I truly am. They see me day in and day out. All my imperfections. I hate how often I have to say "I'm sorry" to them. I hate that I sin. But I guess that's human nature, isn't it? Makes me thankful for the Savior, who overcame "human nature".

Blessings

Ah, what a day. This time with my husband away has been quite the experience. In a good way. I am learning so much about myself, and so much about how God works. It's amazing, and wonderful, and scary all at the same time. It's only been 3 weeks, but God has shown me that no matter what, He is in control. As much as I want to control my circumstances, I can't. And I'm learning to be ok with that. I'll be honest, it's hard, but God is sovereign. I am so thankful that nothing surprises Him. And He always give us the grace we need for every situation. No matter how overwhelming a situation may seem to us, He knows, and planned it for our good. He planned it to make us more like Him. What an overwhelming peace that comes when I realize I am not in control, and I don't need to be. And if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to be in control either. I'm learning what my true priorities are, not what I want them to be. And overall, at the end of every day, whether good or bad, I know I am blessed beyond measure.

I Remember You

I'll be completely honest, I hurt right now. Like really hurt. This week has been rough. It seems that seemingly bad things only happen when my husband is gone. And yet, I am blessed. It's so easy to look at the things that are hard and difficult, and forgot how much I have. Yes, my husband is gone, but only for 4 months. Some military families have to go a year without seeing their husband/daddy. And we get to talk to him. All the time. I'll be honest, though, this week has been very difficult to pray or read my Bible. I guess it just shows how I naturally turn away from God when times get difficult instead of running to His arms. A dear friend shared a passage with me the other day, and I knew that I would need it while my husband is away. I turned to it tonight, and was so encouraged that difficulties are nothing new to believers. Honestly, I struggle to even call what we are going through a difficulty. I'm one of those people that looks at things as good pretty much all the time. Things can always get worse. I mean, I'm not fighting for my life. I haven't lost children or a husband to death. I have been blessed with a wonderful church family and biological family. I have two really calm kids (for the most part ... weird to get two, I know). But yet, with all those blessings, my heart still hurts. I know in my head that I am blessed. I certainly feel blessed, but my heart still hurts. But I will spare you my ramblings .. But one of the sons of Korah puts it in much better words than I.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you ... Psalm 42:5-8

Being an Example (for Good or Bad)

A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak at a dear friend’s baby shower. I said yes before really thinking about what that would mean. (If you’ve read my blog before, you know that speaking in front of others is not exactly a gift of mine.) Nonetheless, I made a commitment to share some words of advice. As I thought and prayed about what I would say, God brought to mind some things that He has been teaching me lately. I have been under a lot of stress lately (ok, maybe not a lot, more like a colossal amount of stress). Either way, it’s been eating me up inside, and I haven’t even noticed it. I tend to be one of those people that holds things in until I explode. Kind of like a volcano. The other day, I lost it. I yelled (ok, screamed) at my husband for something so minute, that I don’t even remember what it was. And thankfully, he was gracious enough to show Christ to me by just holding me for awhile and telling me that I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately. I mention this because God has graciously given us marriage as a means of showing us who we really are. He has given us marriage to show us more of our sin, and to allow us to sharpen our spouse. And just as He has given spouses to reveal more of our sin nature, He has also given us children to show us more of our sin nature. The Lord has been showing me more and more of my sin nature through the actions of my daughter. Sometimes she does things for which I look at her in stunned amazement, realizing that she acts the way she does because I act the way I do. And the more I see her mimic me, the more I realize that I need to be living in such a way that is pleasing to the Lord if I expect her to live in such a way. Sometimes it’s so much easier to expect things out of other people that we don’t expect from ourselves. It’s easy, and it’s sin nature to believe that we are the exception to the rule. It’s easy to accept laziness from our own lives, while expecting productivity from another. And yet, as a parent, I have these two little people that look up to me as an example. And what kind of example am I setting? Am I setting an example of Christ in the way I speak? The way I conduct myself? My faith? My love? Am I teaching them through my words, but not through my life? There are so many things to ponder; so many questions to answer and so many things to examine in my life.

Contentment

Content. What is it mean to truly be content? I find myself in a place not many twenty-four year olds find themselves. I am a wife and the mother of two children. I married at 21, and delivered my first child at 22. Not exactly the typical American female. Most of the time, I love my life, but in my “life plan”, I certainly did not expect to be where I am at today. I never really wanted to get married. Well, I wanted to, but certainly not at a young age. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to do missions. I wanted to go off to some obscure place in Africa and work as a nurse helping others before I married and had children. And yet, here I find myself. I still finished nursing school, but instead of helping other people fight diseases, I help littler people eat, bath (hopefully without screaming from the little person), go potty, learn to say “please” and “thank you”, etc. And sometimes I find myself wishing I were in Africa. Not because I don’t love my children, I love them very much, but I find myself getting annoyed with the same routine every day. I find it hard to find joy and contentment in the mundane. Until recently. The Lord has been working on my heart in so many areas lately. I find that as my family grows, it becomes less and less possible for me to do certain things outside the home. At more than one point, I have become angry that I can’t “minister” to other people because I need to clean, or do laundry, or put a child to bed. I have been so blessed that I have a husband who is more than willing to allow me to go out if I want too, even if that means going to the grocery store at midnight. Together, we have been involved in ministries at our church, and we have loved it. With my husband leaving for so long, I see that it is necessary for me to take a step back from some things. And that frustrated me at first. It frustrated me because I am selfish, and I am prideful. I want to do the things that I want to do. I don’t want to be restricted. But I am. And I’ve come to a peace about it. I’ve coming to realize (and am still coming to realize) that my number one priority is my family. It’s not the people outside my family. It’s my husband, my daughter, and my son. And with my husband being gone, my daughter and my son will need me even more. My priority is raising those two little ones to be God-fearing adults. And that starts in the home. It doesn’t start with sending them to Sunday school, or Wednesday night church, or a Christian school. It starts with us. It starts with Dad and Mom. It means giving up what I want to do, so that I can nurture and cultivate relationships with them now. It means stepping back from other responsibilities, so that I can take care of the responsibilities in my home. And I’m ok with that. I’m excited about it. I’m excited to pour my life and energy into these two little ones. What a blessing it is, and what a daunting task it is to raise children to be like Christ. And I know I’m not perfect, I know I’ll make mistakes. But God has blessed me, and equipped me with His Word to teach me how to teach little ones. So amazing. But for those of you who read this, please pray for me. Please pray for me in the coming months. I have good days and I have bad days. Some days I rejoice, and some days I mourn. Most days lately, I mourn. But in my heart, I know that God has planned this for our good. And I am excited to see what He has in store for us in the coming months.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13