Saturday, February 26, 2011
Do you ever have days that you feel like you are barely holding on? That has been this week for me. Every day I have been stressed, for no particular reason, other than the obvious. I get stressed over anything and everything. Whether or not the dog needs to be let out. Whether or not the kids need to be let out. It is so easy for me to try to take back control of everything. The things that I think I can control, when in reality I can't. I can't control if my daughter will obey today. I can't control if my son is going to get sick. And it's hard to see disobedience and illness as a blessing. It's easy for me to think I'm a bad mother because of how my child acts. I feel as if I'm in the midst of a bad dream that I can't escape. And I know that it won't be forever, but right now, in the middle of it, it feels like forever. I wonder if it will get easier. It's been a month, and the house is still a disaster. I've never been good at cleaning anyways, so that in and of itself is a challenge. Let alone taking care of the kids too. And I don't say these things for sympathy. I just want to let it out. I know I'll be ok. If I do what I know I need to do, and even if I don't (not the preferred method, I know). Unfortunately, it is so easy for me, when tough times come, to try to do everything by myself. And I know it's pride. I know it's pride to think that I don't need to read my Bible or pray. I know it's pride to not ask for help when I need it. And I know it's pride to feel like I'm going to be a burden on someone. I know it's pride to feel that twinge of guilt whenever I ask someone for help. But I know I can't do it all on my own. I see why God intended for the family to be a man and a woman to care for their children. This single parenting stuff is tough. And I know people do it all the time, but I see how perfectly God has knit my husband and I together to compliment each other. And I miss him. I miss him a lot. I take him for granted in so many different areas. But I'm learning. Slowly, but surely, I'm learning. I'm learning to take one day at a time. And I'm learning that God's grace is sufficient for each day. I'm so thankful I only have to live one day at a time! And I'm learning that God is glorified in my weakness. "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor. 12:9. I can honestly say that I am not perfectly content with my weaknesses .. or my hardships .. but I am also seeing how the Christian life is a journey. A wonderful, amazing, tough journey. He uses different circumstances to mold us and to shape us to become like Him. It makes me look forward to heaven. No more sin. No more tears. No more hurt. And it makes me pray for my little ones. Pray that they would come to know Him as their Savior someday. They of all people know who I truly am. They see me day in and day out. All my imperfections. I hate how often I have to say "I'm sorry" to them. I hate that I sin. But I guess that's human nature, isn't it? Makes me thankful for the Savior, who overcame "human nature".