Five

My precious baby girl turns 5 in 12 days … And I am so not ready for it. She is thrilled, and my heart is heavy. She is my first to turn 5. She’s not really a baby anymore. She’s a big girl. She’ll be starting kindergarten in the fall. She loves dresses. She hates shoes. She loves to climb trees. She likes to imagine things. She loves her little brothers. And they all look up to her. She has crazy curly hair that matches her personality. She has blessed our family richly. There was a time when we didn’t think she would join us. Two times, actually. And God so graciously allowed her to be born. Her name means “resurrection.” When we found out she was a girl, we knew the name Anastasia fit her perfectly. And it does. She is a wonderful reminder to me of the True Resurrection. What an amazing God we serve.
 “Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.” John 11:25-26 

                           

    

                                          

The Beauty of the Church

In the past 3 years, my husband has left 3 times ... Once for 6 weeks, once for 3 months, and once for 4 months. Every time he left was for military service, whether that be training or a deployment. At the end of each of those times, I’ve taken a step back and “looked” at the time we spent apart. Every time I’ve looked back, I’ve asked myself the same questions. “What did the Lord teach me?”, “How could I have done things differently?”, “How can I change things for the next time we’re apart?” Every single time my husband has been gone, I’ve learned something new. I can’t say that it’s been easy. Honestly, it’s been anything but easy. The first time my husband left, we had 2 kids and I was pregnant with our 3rd. The 2nd time he left, we had 3 kids, and I was pregnant with our 4th. The last time he left, we had 4 kids, all under the age of 5. I was struck this last time by how incredibly good our God is. I have always been taught that the Lord will provide for all our needs, which is absolutely true, but I’ve never seen it the way I did this last period of training. I also saw how truly prideful I am. The first two times my husband was gone, I had a very hard time accepting help from people. I didn’t ever want to be a burden on anyone, until I realized that the way God was taking care of us was through His people - the church. All the people that offered meals and childcare, which don’t seem like much, were absolutely huge to a single mom with 4 kids. Not only were the meals and childcare huge, but the gentle reminders that my husband was doing a wonderful thing were huge too, plus the acknowledgement that my kids hurt, and needed comfort just as much as their Mommy. I realized how truly important the church is. The church - a community of people held together by the bond of Christ, who love and support one another in good times and in bad. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. And so wonderful. A place where people can come and be a blessing to others, and be blessed as well. Whether that is just a simple note with Scripture in it, or whether it is something else … Like taking care of children. Neither is better than the other. Each is important, and each is a blessing. So to those of you who have taken care of us these past several years, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for showing Christ to me. Thank you for showing Christ to my kids. Thank you for showing Christ to my husband, and for caring for us in his absence. “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” Philippians 2:1-11

The Widows, the Fatherless, and Blue Piggy Banks

For some reason, I’ve been thinking a lot lately of the four and half months my husband was gone this year. God used that time to show me so many things, and in many ways I am still digesting those things. God promises many things in His Word, and one of those things is that He cares for the widows and the fatherless. I obviously had no understanding of what that meant until I didn’t have a husband at home, and I still have no complete understanding since my husband is still living. I look back on those four and half months though, and am amazed at the things God did for not only me, but my little girl as well. She was two and a half when he left, and celebrated her third birthday while he was gone. She went through things that no little one should have to go through. Her favorite movie while he was gone was “Finding Nemo” and she told me it was because
“Nemo’s daddy came back, just like my daddy.” Really? What kid thinks like that? All growing up, I was told that God cares for our needs, and not only our needs, but sometimes our wants. Even the little things. I didn’t really believe that, honestly, until a few months ago. Every year our church hosts a missions conference in October. To help remind the congregation to be thinking about the missions conference, 6 months before the conference the mission committee set up plastic piggy banks for the children to take home, so they could start collecting coins to give as an offering to the missionaries. The piggy banks came in assorted colors: green, yellow, pink, orange, and blue. When Anastasia and I reached the tables containing the piggy banks, every color was left except blue. But that was ok, because Anastasia didn’t even realize blue had been an option. She picked out another color, and as we walked through the church to find Grandma and Grandpa, she saw someone holding a blue piggy bank. She looked at me and said, “Oh, I want a blue one, Mama”. My first thought was, “Too bad, there weren’t any left”, but I said, “Okay, we can go look”, fully believing that she would be stuck with the color she had. We headed back to the table, and guess what? There was a blue piggy bank. It was as though God knew she wanted blue, and He purposely placed it there to show me that He takes care of the little ones’ wants. And yeah, it may sound like a stupid example, but I think back on it often. He took care of my little girl’s wants. It certainly wasn’t a need to have a blue piggy bank, but it was a desire of hers, and He gave it to her. Not only did He give her a desire of her heart, but He showed that little girl’s mama how faithless I can be. How often I go through life just flat out not believing that He can do something. And it’s usually the little things. And how rebuked I felt when I saw that blue piggy bank sitting there, waiting for Anastasia to take it home. And what a great reminder that God always keeps His promises.

Apples and Apple Cores

Since having children, I have been reminded of how often we, as adults, continue to act like children. I often wonder if God looks at us the same way we look at our kids as they are throwing temper tantrums, or telling us how things ought to be, etc. Our kids think they know what is best, when really, mommy and daddy know what is best. Today, my son, who is 16 months old, managed to find an apple core that was left somewhere by my daughter, and tried to eat as much as he could of what was left. I put him in his high chair, and proceeded to take the core away, telling him I would give him something better: an actual apple. As I took the core away, he screamed and cried in anger because he wanted that core so badly. He didn’t understand at the time that I was going to replace that core with something better. He only knew what he thought was best. I was reminded that I often respond the same exact way when God takes something from me that I think is good. I am content with the apple core, and in fact, I like it. And when God chooses to take it, sometimes I scream and cry in anger, just like my 16 month old. But just as I replaced that apple core with something good, God also chooses to replace our apple cores with something good. Though our apples may not always seem good at the time, in reality, it is our Heavenly Father who knows what is best for our lives. And what a comfort to know that He takes care of us, even better than we take care of our own children, and even when we may throw temper tantrums like little ones.

A Better Country

All too often I get tired of my job. I get tired of the same thing every day. I get tired of waking up to poop everywhere. I get tired of sweeping Cheerios off the floor yet again. I get tired of watching Tigger, or Nemo, or whatever happens to be the favorite animated character that day. And all too often I find myself ungrateful for the things that I have. I find myself thinking that if I only had a bigger house, or if I only had a child that obeyed, I would be happy. Today, I was really tired of my job. I’ll just admit it, I was cranky. So I opened my Bible up when the kids went to bed, purposefully opening to Hebrews 11. It’s a passage I have read many, many times before, and I was hoping to get encouragement from it. And I did get encouragement, just not from the verses I expected.

“These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country ...” Hebrews 11:13-16a

I realized as I read those verses, that I haven’t been desiring a better country. I haven’t been desiring heaven. I haven’t been desiring God. I get so caught up in myself throughout the day, and the needs and wants that I have. And I was reminded of a truth that I have heard many times before … that my purpose in being a mom is to point those two little ones to a better country. A divine country. A country where God dwells. And that makes me nervous. And excited, but mostly nervous. What they hear about God is most likely coming from me. I am the one they are around all day, every day. And maybe they will hear more from someone else, but what will they see in me? Because I know that if they see me say that I believe in God, and yet I don’t live it, I have failed. So tonight I am thankful. I am thankful that God opened my eyes to this now. And I am thankful that tomorrow is a new day … with a purpose.

Lessons

So, life as we knew it is back to normal .. Well, sort of. We are all so excited to be a family again. A family together, that is. My husband returned home last week after four and a half long months. I have been thinking this past week about those months a lot. It was so easy for me to just wish the days away, and hope and pray that the time would go by quickly. And now looking back, I wonder, "What did I learn through it? Did I learn anything? Will I change anything because of it?" And I've come to realize so many different things about myself. I've realized not only how much I took and do take my husband for granted, but I've also realized how I rely on him almost too much. And I'm not saying there is anything wrong with relying on a spouse, God designed marriage to allow us to rely on another human being in a way that we have never experienced, nor will experience again on this earth. But there is a danger in elevating that other human being to a level equal to, or higher than, God. In some ways, in many ways, I think I did that with my husband. So four months away from him really put things in perspective. As much as it hurt to be away from him, I find myself wondering lately if it hurts that much when I'm away from God for that long (i.e. when I chose not to be in regular fellowship with Him). Do I long for God the way I longed for my husband? Do I seek every opportunity to still talk to Him, even when life is absolutely crazy? And when I'm truly honest with myself, I see how I've elevated my husband (and to some extent, my children) to a level that is truly unfit for them. I've elevated them to a level that only one Being can fill, and that is God. So as difficult as these last four and a half months have been, I'm thankful. I'm so thankful that God has allowed us to experience this. He has shown me so many things about myself, that I don't think I would have seen otherwise. He has taught me that I don't always need to know the answers to my "why?" questions. He has taught me that He truly is a Father to those who don't have one (or to those whose father is absent for a time). And He has taught me that instead of relying on people, like I am so apt to do, I need to rely solely on Him.

Faith

So I’ll be honest, I’ve haven’t written in awhile, because I am struggling. I am struggling with so many different things right now. I have been questioning God so much. I don’t understand why He allows what He allows sometimes. And I have really wanted to know the answers to why. But today I got a note from an old friend, and God used it to clarify things for me. I don’t need all the answers. For whatever reason, God chooses to allow things in our lives, and we don’t need to know why. As much as we want to know why, He finds it best to not tell us. And He calls us to trust Him. Trust that He knows what He is doing. Trust that He will take care of us. And that trust is called faith. “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). And you know what? He doesn’t promise it’ll be easy. But he still asks us to trust and rest in Him.