Weakness

Do you ever have days that you feel like you are barely holding on? That has been this week for me. Every day I have been stressed, for no particular reason, other than the obvious. I get stressed over anything and everything. Whether or not the dog needs to be let out. Whether or not the kids need to be let out. It is so easy for me to try to take back control of everything. The things that I think I can control, when in reality I can't. I can't control if my daughter will obey today. I can't control if my son is going to get sick. And it's hard to see disobedience and illness as a blessing. It's easy for me to think I'm a bad mother because of how my child acts. I feel as if I'm in the midst of a bad dream that I can't escape. And I know that it won't be forever, but right now, in the middle of it, it feels like forever. I wonder if it will get easier. It's been a month, and the house is still a disaster. I've never been good at cleaning anyways, so that in and of itself is a challenge. Let alone taking care of the kids too. And I don't say these things for sympathy. I just want to let it out. I know I'll be ok. If I do what I know I need to do, and even if I don't (not the preferred method, I know). Unfortunately, it is so easy for me, when tough times come, to try to do everything by myself. And I know it's pride. I know it's pride to think that I don't need to read my Bible or pray. I know it's pride to not ask for help when I need it. And I know it's pride to feel like I'm going to be a burden on someone. I know it's pride to feel that twinge of guilt whenever I ask someone for help. But I know I can't do it all on my own. I see why God intended for the family to be a man and a woman to care for their children. This single parenting stuff is tough. And I know people do it all the time, but I see how perfectly God has knit my husband and I together to compliment each other. And I miss him. I miss him a lot. I take him for granted in so many different areas. But I'm learning. Slowly, but surely, I'm learning. I'm learning to take one day at a time. And I'm learning that God's grace is sufficient for each day. I'm so thankful I only have to live one day at a time! And I'm learning that God is glorified in my weakness. "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor. 12:9. I can honestly say that I am not perfectly content with my weaknesses .. or my hardships .. but I am also seeing how the Christian life is a journey. A wonderful, amazing, tough journey. He uses different circumstances to mold us and to shape us to become like Him. It makes me look forward to heaven. No more sin. No more tears. No more hurt. And it makes me pray for my little ones. Pray that they would come to know Him as their Savior someday. They of all people know who I truly am. They see me day in and day out. All my imperfections. I hate how often I have to say "I'm sorry" to them. I hate that I sin. But I guess that's human nature, isn't it? Makes me thankful for the Savior, who overcame "human nature".

Blessings

Ah, what a day. This time with my husband away has been quite the experience. In a good way. I am learning so much about myself, and so much about how God works. It's amazing, and wonderful, and scary all at the same time. It's only been 3 weeks, but God has shown me that no matter what, He is in control. As much as I want to control my circumstances, I can't. And I'm learning to be ok with that. I'll be honest, it's hard, but God is sovereign. I am so thankful that nothing surprises Him. And He always give us the grace we need for every situation. No matter how overwhelming a situation may seem to us, He knows, and planned it for our good. He planned it to make us more like Him. What an overwhelming peace that comes when I realize I am not in control, and I don't need to be. And if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to be in control either. I'm learning what my true priorities are, not what I want them to be. And overall, at the end of every day, whether good or bad, I know I am blessed beyond measure.

I Remember You

I'll be completely honest, I hurt right now. Like really hurt. This week has been rough. It seems that seemingly bad things only happen when my husband is gone. And yet, I am blessed. It's so easy to look at the things that are hard and difficult, and forgot how much I have. Yes, my husband is gone, but only for 4 months. Some military families have to go a year without seeing their husband/daddy. And we get to talk to him. All the time. I'll be honest, though, this week has been very difficult to pray or read my Bible. I guess it just shows how I naturally turn away from God when times get difficult instead of running to His arms. A dear friend shared a passage with me the other day, and I knew that I would need it while my husband is away. I turned to it tonight, and was so encouraged that difficulties are nothing new to believers. Honestly, I struggle to even call what we are going through a difficulty. I'm one of those people that looks at things as good pretty much all the time. Things can always get worse. I mean, I'm not fighting for my life. I haven't lost children or a husband to death. I have been blessed with a wonderful church family and biological family. I have two really calm kids (for the most part ... weird to get two, I know). But yet, with all those blessings, my heart still hurts. I know in my head that I am blessed. I certainly feel blessed, but my heart still hurts. But I will spare you my ramblings .. But one of the sons of Korah puts it in much better words than I.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you ... Psalm 42:5-8